197. Being relevant
“For there is but one problem — the problem of human relations. We forget that there is no hope or joy except in human relations.” — Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Growing up, Sachin Tendulkar was considered the GOAT of the glorious game of cricket. During his illustrious career, Tendulkar broke all kinds of cricketing records and was cause for a lot of joy to cricket fans around the world. However, it seems like the younger generation of cricket fans today (I checked with a few) do not much think of him or about him at all. Tendulkar does not seem to be as relevant anymore. Even I do not think of him much.
It is exactly three and a half years since I quit corporate career. I was not entirely sure what to expect and I did not know how I will occupy my time or make money. I was forty-six then. This break materialized into early retirement. During my twenty-five-year corporate career, I dedicated most of my waking hours to my work. Retirement bestowed upon me a few advantages. I have a lot of time on hand to introspect. I also have a lot of time to observe — both myself and the people around me. Although it may sound obvious, one of my biggest realizations is the deep human need to be relevant. Once the basic needs and wants of life are accounted for, I think human beings keenly crave relevance.
We want to be spoken of. No one likes being forgotten. We engage in pursuits that elevate our profiles and make us feel important — to our families, our friends, our employers and the society at large. We do things or want to be perceived as doing things of relevance to others. For, it is only natural that, if our existence or presence is of no relevance to others, they will simply ignore us.
At workplaces, bosses are adored for their leadership, for their charisma, for their decisiveness, for their empathy etc. But once they move on to other roles or other organizations, they are often ignored and even forgotten unless they continue to hold potential to help you. It is the loss of relevance that is one of the hardest things to deal with.
“Life’s not about me; it’s about we.” — Tony Robbins
Being of relevance keeps us valuable to our circle of friends, colleagues, family members, our tribe. The hunter-gatherer personality that dominates our thinking to this day, definitely puts a premium on being valuable to the tribe. If you are not of value to your tribe, you soon become irrelevant. If you are irrelevant, you are jettisoned from your group. Once exiled from your tribe, you die quickly. This law of nature seems to apply not just to primates but to most other animals too. Perhaps, being relevant is a natural imperative.
Whatever the cause, I don’t think many of us can escape from the compulsive need of being relevant. My experience teaches me that if your relevance comes from your status or the position you hold, then you better be prepared for a deep loss in personal worth sooner or later, for, all positions are essentially temporary.
Past relevance dissipates in value rather quickly. Relevance is felt in the here and now. Relevance needs to be kept current; it has to be earned every day. If a person is important to you, a good question is how are you being relevant to that person. What kind of value do you create for that person? Maintaining relevance needs constant work.
“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.” — Oscar Wilde
Being relevant is not just about relationships with others — it is a lot more about relationship with ourselves. Acceptance, tolerance and forgiveness are powerful arsenal in maintaining a healthy relationship with the self. A big TV or a big car or even a “big” tourist-y vacation may not increase your self-worth as much as the effort, the challenge and the pain that was endured in making them possible. Progress made on the back of overcoming challenges elevates the sense of self.
Bottomline
“The only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” — Tony Robbins
I feel that human connections give the most meaningful context to life. My life really has no meaning at all outside of the relationships that I have with my family, my friends and the society that I’m part of. No amount of money or materialistic trappings such as the size of my house or my car can compensate for any deficit in meaningful human connections. My human connections remain healthy so long as I am being relevant in them — so long as I’m of some value in them. There is no place for lacuna here. If I miss out on father-children time because of something like hectic work schedule, which I was amply guilty of, I will be taken to be just a provider, an ATM. If I don’t take on meaningful challenges, my self-worth may start to dwindle. If I am not fully “present” in my interactions with my wife, my marital relationship may decay into listlessness.
A reminder to myself at the beginning of this year that relationships take work and being relevant is the barometer of their health!
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